Jon is now inpatient

This is a very difficult blog post to write because I am not in a good place and Jon is not in a good place.  But part of the reason I am writing these blogs is for our family, especially our children to be able to read later and see how faithful God was in our family.  So, here goes...

Jon threw up all night Saturday night into early Sunday morning.  Also, when he started vomitting at 10PM Saturday night his fever was 100.9.  I called the on call doctor and he said it was 50/50 whether to come in and be admitted.  But after Jon threw up 4 times, he could hardly walk so at 4AM Sunday morning we headed in to the hospital.  Jon was able to come right up to the BMT (Bone Marrow Transplant) Unit and be admitted here, thus avoiding the ER.  That was a blessing with his counts being so low.  Basically he was dehydrated.  They began giving him fluids and he never threw up again.  They took blood cultures and found everything was normal.  So the praise is there isn't anything major going on.  It is VERY different over here in the inpatient part as opposed to the outpatient clinic. When you are outpatient they want you very involved in your own healthcare because after all they are sending you home for your caregiver to take care of you.  So they tell you exactly what meds they are giving and you mark it off on a sheet and then you write down at night all the pills you take.  When you are inpatient they just start hanging bags, and starting them.  They do not tell you what they are giving you unless you ask.  And before when he felt nauseated I would give him an Ativan.  Now when he is nauseated we have to ask for it and it could be an hour before he gets it.  Don't get me wrong, the nurses are great both places, it is just a different mindset to be inpatient.  It has added some more stress for me for sure.  Let's just say they are getting to know his control-freak wife very well!  At shift change, the new nurse came in and told me exactly what they were giving Jon and the dosage and said, "I heard you like to know what we are giving."  LOL

Since Jon can't write and tell you all his troubles I'll tell you mine!  I'm just breaking down in every way:  emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I'm just really questioning why Jon, of all people, have to suffer like this.  My heart aches to watch him.  My heart aches to be with my children.  I'm not even sleeping with them in the apartment!  I went from living with them and checking on them before I go to bed at midnight, then again in the middle of the night, to not having a clue if they are OK.  They had only been away from me at night like 2 times!   I don't want to live here.  I don't want to be separated as a family.  I want to be home, be together and healthy!  I want Jon back.  He is my best friend and the one I count on for everything.   I'm definitely not finding joy in the this trial at the moment!  I'm certainly not rejoicing in these circumstances.

I think sometimes in the Christian life we like to fluff things up and make everything sound positive because that is what we are supposed to do.  But reality of the situation sets in, and you are going to have moments that you have negative thoughts, you are overwhelmed with fear and that you just can't handle life.  I'm there!  I am human and in no way perfect--not even close.  And boy have we seen that in the last few days!  A good friend reminded of this story:

 Matthew 26:36-46 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” 37 He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” 39 Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” 40 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. 41 “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.” 42 He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”
  
Jesus was the only perfect one to walk the face of this earth.  And even he asked to have this painful, sorrowful situation taken from him.   He had great anguish over the physical pain, separation from the Father, and death for the sins of the world that he would endure.  In His human nature, Jesus struggled.  And fortunately He can relate to me right now!  I hope that in my relationship with Christ I have the strength like Jesus had to obey!  Jesus knew his future and He still struggled with the suffering He would go through.  I like in vs. 39 Jesus saying not as I will, but as you will and again in vs 42 when he said YOUR WILL BE DONE.  I hope that I can have a renewed sense of trust in God's plan for our family through Jon's suffering.  

Ironically, as I'm sitting here typing this, another very good friend (who has not a clue of where my head is these past few days) just texted me this verse:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness."  II Corinthians 12:9

Thank you dear friends for your encouragement.  And even if I don't mention in the blog, every letter, email, text, FB message, card, package, etc means the world to me and my family!  You all are such an encouragement and I hope to grow up to be like all of you!  I will forever be changed because of this situation.

We just found out that Jon will be in the hospital until the end of this round, probably anywhere from 6-9 more days.  Please pray for him.  He is barely eating.   He is loosing strength.  His counts are still extremely low (he got more platelets today).

**Note:  I started this blog days ago, and have written a little everyday for 3 days.  Today (Tuesday), I can report that Jon went on a "walk" with me last night around the halls and started being silly and jogging.  He sure is a funny guy!  For the most part he has slept today but he is having spurts of energy and has kept his spirits up!  He has been amazing!  Thanks for praying and our family will continue to be...

GODSTRONG!