So, this is Jon writing to you again. Yes, I know you haven't heard from me in a while, but I am still alive! I am just going to apologize up front. I feel like I am pulling a Donna today. I feel like I am a little bit of everywhere, ha ha! So if my entry feels like it is a little bit of everywhere, there is a reason.
Part of my issue with being all over the map is that I am struggling somewhat. Even as I write to you the neuropathy in fingers and hands is making this process somewhat difficult. And the ringing in my ears is so loud at times I can't hear myself think. Last night, Donna and I were able to go out with me life long friends, Matt and Kristina to the Spaghetti Factory to eat dinner. Let me just tell you the mud pie I ate, is not something I struggled with at all :)! Anyway, as we were sitting and talking, I told them I had not given one thought to what was about to take place tomorrow (today), which was my start to the second and final round of chemo. Donna will tell you that I haven't thought about much these past few weeks. And more importantly, and problematically speaking I literally do not remember anything about what has happened in the last few weeks. I blame it on my "chemo brain", but deep down inside am worried it is just a "me" issue :). So last night I start dreading everything that is about to happen. Sometimes, knowing what is to come is worse, than not knowing. Ignorance is bliss! So as I type these words, I can literally feel the chemo dripping into my body, sucking the life out of me. It is altering my state of mind, and body. My ever present thoughts and fears are becoming reality again.
After having said all of this, clearly I have issues, and need to talk to somebody about this, more specifically God, which brings me to the daily devotional that I completed yesterday. I am working through a study written by James MacDonald who himself battled cancer. The title of the daily study was God's Presence. In the study MacDonald talks about in times of trial, what do we do? Do we move towards God or do we move away from Him? Do we allow our fears to pull us way from God or push us towards Him? He goes on to talk about what God does when we face trials, or hard times of any kind. He says that when we go through trials, it may feel like God disappears, or moves away from you. Instead, God "rolls up his sleeves", and digs in with us to help us through our trial. He leans in closer so that we can hear Him! You may not be able to feel Him closer, and you may not be able to see Him working, but He is taking that first shift, and every other shift, because He is God! Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Let me encourage all of you. We all have challenges in our lives. They are just different than other people's challenges. Yes God gives "more" to others to handle, but just the same we all go through our own trials and tribulations. When you face fears of any kind in your life, know that God is waiting for you to draw close to Him. He loves you and longs for you to reach out to Him and say "I can't do this without you, please hold my hand and help me through this". The next challenge, is to say the same thing when things are going good. Sometimes, I am finding it is easier to draw close to God when things are hard. You know you can't do it without God, so you cling to Him. My challenge has been when everything is going "good" to cling to Him just as hard as when things seem to be bad.
I must apologize, I am tired right now, and need to take a break. I have many blessings that I want to talk about tomorrow. Have a good evening everyone!
Jon
4 comments:
Hi Jon,
You probably don't know us, but my wife (Paula) and I are long-time friends of your parents and grandparents. We are praying for you regularly and trusting in God's grace and strength as you face another round!
Gary and Paula Elkins
Such a courageous and honest post, Jon. Praying for the fears and for healing to drip in even as you deal with such hard side effects. Praying for relief and perseverance. We love you and thankyou for your encouragements to us even in the midst of your trial!! Love, Amy and fam
Oh, Jon, our Wonderful Heavenly Father ASKS us to cast our cares upon Him, so it's ok to draw closer and cry out when we have the difficult stuff in our lives! AND He also says to BEAR ONE ANOTHER'S BURDENS! He has us covered on all sides! How very marvelous for us and for the honor and glory we can bring to Him through our suffering! When we are conformed to His image, we also enter into His sufferings! The difference is that all friends ran away from Jesus except a few faithful women and men. On our side of the cross, He has provided His indwelling Spirit and Presence, and He has provided brothers and sisters who can come alongside us to add encouragement, prayer support, and some healing laughter because a merry heart does good like a medicine. May I suggest finding a clean joke site or some YouTube videos of Christian comedians who can bring some of that merriness into your body! I lay my hands on this post asking that this next treatment will go well and that the effects will be minimal. Thank you for your post and for sharing your heart with us. I shall again pass it along to the LCC prayer team, who have been praying for you since we were made aware of your journey! We love you and yours and know that God has special blessings and joy for those who trust in Him with all their hearts and who do not trust their own understanding but acknowledge Him in all their ways! Rest in His gifts to you <3
Me again, Jon! I am going to suggest that you and Donna sign up to read Ann Voskamp's blog. Here is a link to get y'all started with the latest series she and friends are posting. I have no doubt that they will bless you both, although they are aimed at women. Ann wrote the best selling book, 1000 Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. It has made such a difference in so many lives! I believe it, too, would be a benefit to both of you.
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/10/missing-him-31-days-of-calling-on-jesus/
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